But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
