Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
