I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
