I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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