you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
