How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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