is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
