Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Im part way to drunk.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Congratulations! We have a period
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
