I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
