when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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