Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
