I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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