Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
