If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
