im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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