so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
