I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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