I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
