I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood