I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
