How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
