I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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