the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
