now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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