swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
