some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
