turn off your phone and go to bed
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
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I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
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He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"