apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
