Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
