Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
