Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I need moral support for this bender
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
