How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
