I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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