I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
