Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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