The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
