Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just high enough for therapy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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