Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
