I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
