I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
