I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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