Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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