He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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