Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
