I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
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