i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
