I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Randomize
