from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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