ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
