I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
