My pussy is not your playground.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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