i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
