I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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