reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
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I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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