The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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