1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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